You guys are flat out bitches.
And worse than that, you're fake.
So keep talking about the importance of unity and blah blah blah and how important it all us. what you did is beyond fucked up. i hadnt said TWO WORDS to you.

so FUCK YOU all.
im so over it.

that you may read this.
But even if you do, I don't think you'd realize I'm talking about you.
And even if you do, I think it might piss you off.
But it's something I've been feeling since we started being friends. And then you do things that make me think "you're so dumb, its bull." but then you do things that make me think those thoughts all over again.
You told me I'm a really good friend of yours. And I think of you the same way. We can talk for hours and I just feel like we really connect. But when there are other people around, you seem almost as if you wanna have nothing to do with me. That's it, really. I just wonder if you're fake. You're a really good friend, I want you to know. I intend on being friends with you for a long time. You're one of the people I know I'll easily keep in touch with next year. But it's just that you really seem as if you want nothing to do with me when we're around other people. No matter which people they are.

I also want you to know that I wish you could confide in me. I know you've had shit that makes you scared to open up to people. And I completely understand that and don't blame you for trusting people. But I just have to say it, because I know if I said it to your face, you would just get annoyed. Look, I'm here for you. I consider you a close friend and you mean a lot to me. So if you ever need anyone for anything at all, I just want you to know I AM here. You probably won't ever call me with any problems you're having, because that's just the way you are, but if you WERE to call me, just know that I would sit on the phone talking to you for hours if need be. Just know that I am here for you no matter what.

I love you.

have you ever felt...like wondered what your "friends" really think of you? like felt as if they dont actually love you the way they say to do? and just felt like really alone? im having a really hard time right now. im having so many thoughts and i dont know what to do with them. so many, that i cant even sift through them. and im wondering about so many things and i cant even describe it. i dunno. i just wonder.

i wonder.
i think youre fake sometimes.
ily and youre a good friend of mine.
but ive seen talk shit about other people and then you go and hang out with them and be best friends with them but youre always talking shit.
are you like that about me too?

1) You confuse me. I do consider you one of my close friends, one of my really great friends, and sometimes you act like you feel the same way. like when we talk on the phone for hours. but then...when we're in person...like with other people around...you make me feel like im just a nuisance to you. i dont really feel like bringing that up with you because itll just be a little sappy, dramatic conversation that neither one of us wants to have. but youre smart. so if you happen to see this and know that its about you...just try to change that, okay? i know you and i know if you really couldnt stand me or whatever it is i feel like i said, you wouldnt spend those hours on the phone with me either. youre not fake, or two-faced like that. so if you realize this is about you, just realize im feeling like this, okay? i love you.

2) look really...gosh i dont even know what to say to you. you make the term best friend seem like...gosh i dont know. i mean we had a close relationship. and i still consider you one of my best friends. but its changed. im too scared to stop calling you that because it means so much to you. dont get me wrong. like i said, youre still one of my "best friends" and i cherish your friendship immensely and i love you very much. i would never wanna lose our friendship. wait, i just worded it better in my head. this is it. youre my best friend. but so is she. but i know with you that if i call her my best friend as well it will bother you. maybe because im just jealous and i know it has bothered me when youve done it. ugh i dont know what im even saying. youre not gonna see this anyway. final line: youre my best friend. youre held in a part of my life. you mean a lot to me. but when i say best friend to someone else, dont let that make you feel any different about our relationship because youre my best friend, only in a different aspect. gosh best friend is such a stupid word...but at the same time...

3) you. omg, you. youre perfect. youre the best. you have the same ambitions, goals, loves, everything as me. i dont know what id do without you. ive never fought with you, and i dont think i will cause neither one of us cares about shit worth getting into fights with. we agree on so much, and even though there will always be things people disagree on, (not that we've come across that thing for us yet) we just dont fight. you dont get mad over stupid things and i can really, honestly, tell you the truth. you return the meaning to best friend. i love you very much.

4) you worry me. i...fuck.


i think thats all i had to get off my chest.

i love my friends.
i just thought id let you all know.

i love heather and chaychie.
(theyre the only ones im naming, cause theyre the only ones who will see this.)


<3<3<3<3<3

Am I really that ugly?
Am I annoying?
Do I have some horrible thing about me I don't see?
What is it that makes me so unattractive?
Why am I so unworthy?

I think I'm sorta pretty.
a little anyway.
I'm nice.
I'm deep.
I can stay on the phone for hours...
I have passions...

Why am I so unattractive?
Why can't I get anyone?

I know it's stupid to want someone so much. But I do. I really, really do. I just want to fall in love. Or if that's too much to ask for, I just want somebody who I really, really like, who really, really likes me. I just want somebody.


Don't tell me that I'm pretty, or that I'll find someone with time. Don't tell me I deserve the best and that I'll get him. Because that doesn't help. What you say doesn't help because I remain the same; alone.

I hate this.

I want a guy

-Who doesn't drink or get drunk every chance he gets.
-Who doesn't smoke or do drugs...at all.
-Who likes me because I'm not a slut.
-Who I can depend on.
-Who I can really talk to.
-Who I can have crazy fun with, without alcohol or drugs being involved.
-Who I can have a good time with by just being together watching TV.
-Who I can call at any moment and he'll rush to my side.
-Who will just be there.
-Who will just like me.
-Who just wants to be with me.
-Who is there.

Where is he?

i came on LJ to see if there was anything new but its like a damn ghost town around here. so for lack of anything better to do, i give a shout out to [very likely] the only person who might see this.

so, compaq, what's shakin'?
see you tomorrow.
kay cool.
bye.
<3

(naomi? you still alive?? i love you.)

So since I can think of a total of two people who might read this, you know about the accident.

ive been having weird dreams about it. not of the accident itself, but...well these are the dreams.

Dream #1:
i was in the car with my dad and two girls but i dont remember who they were. my dad started the car and it spun around. he started it again and it spun once more. i didnt want him to start it again but he did and it spun around a lot and hit the railing. i got out thinking "twice in one week"

Dream #2:
i was in the car with a friend. the car spun around -- he did it on purpose, thought it was funny. i told him to stop. he did it again. i said i was gonna get out of the car and walk to where i needed it to be.

weird, huh?

I'm used to talking.
I mean that when I feel something, I say it.
When I question something, I ask it.
When I wonder why things are the way things are, I ask.
Even if no one has the answer. I don't expect an answer necessarily, or expect any change, I just cling to my freedom of asking when I want to ask.
It's not that big of a deal. At all. How'd it turn into this big thing out of a simple question???

life is pretty weird, you know?
i dont know how to explain it...but it makes a bit of sense in my head.
i miss my friends.
but its all good.
i really have some of the greatest friends on earth. i mean i randomly get IMs saying like "i love you and miss you" (from jessie and becky) and it makes me feel good.
theyre great.

Okay.
so life sucks.
and it always will.
but guess what?
i have good things.

i have the HCT. and i may be a complete fuckin loser, but hell, that place is what makes life worth living. its what gets me through the day and its my life.

and i have friends who are...
i dunno how to describe them.
but they are perfect.
in my head theres a short list of which friends.
but they are unnecessary to write.
but its funny.
cause its not even the people who i would say are my "best friends" if i were asked.
best friend. what does that mean?
i dont care. because this week...its been the craziest week ever. and so many times i felt like throwing people off the scaffold. but while i was in this murderous (not really) mood, i was HAPPY! im so happy when im there, surrounded by people who make life what it should be. i dont hate life at all when im surrounded by these people and things. theres absolutely nothing wrong in the world when im at rehearsal. and you know what? i love it. i love that feeling. i dunno if it just got better since i came back or if id just forgotten how great exactly the HCT is...but i gotta say, this past week, from 4-7 or whatever, has been the best ever.

and i love the people.
even though i really wasnt with them most of the time. cause theyre on stage and im up on the scaffold. but i dunno. i really dont know. but i love the HCT.

and i really cant express how much i love a certain group of my friends at the moment.
if you were in that bulletin i posted on myspace last night, youre one of the people im thinking of.

life sucks.
it always will.
no matter what.
theres nothing you can do, life will always try to bring you down.
its your job not to let it
you will always be depressed over the things that will never go away. but you gotta embrace that one thing that makes it all worth it
im not gonna say to get over it, cause there are things that a person can just not get over. but for real. there are good things
there are things that are sources of happiness
the things that you look forward to non stop? thats what life is about. finding that one thing and using it as a shield towards everything else

and it was pretty great.

i went to see a musical. All Shook Up. i missed the first 20 minutes. but it was still awesome. Elvis Presly = LOVE

my phone broke. but i got it fixed right after the play. so that was good.

lots of "happy birthdays" and that truly did make it a happy birthday.

so i love certain people.
like compaq.
and naomi.
and berni.
and others who wont see this so theres no point in mentioning people.

i do hate when people read my LJ and leave anonymous comments. it pisses me off a little bit. it looks like i spelled anonymous wrong. hmm. oh well. dont care.

okay so yeah.
i want it to be tomorrow at 5.
i also wanna see naomi. which i will tomorrow.

i bought cool black pants today with an Old Navy gift card my cousin gave me for my birthday. theyre pretty damn cool.

so yeah.
tomorrow should come fast.
Scaffhold = Heaven. (its high enough at least haha)
cant say i love it more than stagehand. but i do love it.

ive also established that im a complete loser with my love and anxiousness for the above. but its all gooooood.

<333 to those i love.

=]]
ale

ya me canse de todo.
estoy re podrida de todas las mentiras.
y si, ya se que lo digo todo los dias pero ya no doy mas.
cada ves que algien lo dice, yo me lo creo.
y despues soy yo la ceda muerta.
no me lo avanco mas. pero ni idea lo que puedo hacer para ayudarme.
y la verdad, que no hay nada.
parece que tengo que vivir con dolor por tada la vida.
y nadie hace, no podria hacer, nada.

"tengo el corazon con agujeritos,
y no me lo puedo curar.
se me esta muriendo de apoquito,
y con cada dolor, se muere mas."

sos un mentiroso.
y vos una mentirosa.
son todos mentirosos.
entonce decime, si yo se que mienten, porque me le creo cada vez?

me gustaria odiarte porque vos SABIAS que yo iba quedar asi! sabias, porque lo habiamos hablado que ya no aguantaria esto otra vez.
"no, no te preocupas" me dijieron "yo ne to miento, con migo no te va a pacer"
me vieron cara de tarada o algo? parece que si.

bueno, ya no importa. porque a nadie le interesa lo que yo siento. y ya paso, y aunque me mataron, no lo puedo areglar. asique me quedo con el dolor, y espero que pace devuelta. porque no tengo duda que va volver a pacar.

i dont know anymore.
we were really close not long ago at all.
you were kinda my main source of happiness, if you will.
and now it seems that every day we're less and less close.
and like you dont care anymore.
why?
why dont you care anymore?
i dont know what to do or say. the only thing i can do is hold back tears.

i do love you.
im so confused.
i dont know whats happening.
but i know theres pain.

You're SO stupid!
I know.
how can it be that you ALWAYS fall for it?!
good question.
do you like the pain or something?!
G-d no.
How many times has it happened now?
1...2...3...million?
What is wrong with you?!
I wish i knew...
You really should stop trusting people.
I tell myself that all the time.
Don't believe them when they say they love you.
I know that.
'Cause it's never true.
yeah, i've learned.
Even though they say it is.
They always do.
It's your own fault, you know.
I know.
You're not the victim. You're the culprit.
i know that too.
It's your fault for falling for it.
Fact.
So what are you gonna do?
When?
When they say they love you?
Not believe them.
You know that's the smart thing to do.
It is.
Are you gonna do it?
probably not.
Are you that desperate?
it's probable.
You're hopeless.
I am.
Useless and worthless.
That too.
So don't cry when you get hurt again.
I will
I give up on you.
me too.







i got this format from one of naomi's LJs

It all gets worse and worse,
And I don't know what to say.
I just want to scream,
But I can't do it everyday.

And when I think it'll all improve,
It just goes really wrong,
Nothing left to help me now,
I'd like to take my final bow.

...i dont feel like finishing this now...i'll get back to it...

how the fuckin hell do you expect me to ever fuckin tell you anything when you turn around and do this?! i cant trust him, or ever tell him how i feel and i always try to ignore the fact that i cant tell you either and i try to make you understand because i cant live completely on my own. youre a fuckin bitch and you give a fuckin shit. and when youre having a bad day or you dont feel good im fuckin sorry but its not my fuckin fault so dont use me as your fucking punching bag cause i didnt cause any of this! if its okay for you to treat me badly when im sick or depressed but its not okay for me to talk when you are?! its okay for you to call me a liar when i didnt lie but its okay for you to lie but not okay for me to call you a liar?! well thats what you fuckin are. a fuckin liar. not because of that one little incident or all the other ones but because you say you love me and you say you care and you say you want me to be happy but you just show the complete opposite. so fuck you. id like to say i dont need you but it would be nice if that were true. i hate him and you want me to hate you too?! cause not only do you sit by idly and not do anything about anything when things happen but everyday you start to act more and more like him

fuck you both

so my school is knows for its magnet program. with classes in Drama, Chorus, Orchestra, Dance, and a few other things. they got rid of photography and some other classes and theyve also gotts rid of one class from each area except drama. so now theres a protest.

1. on Tuesday kids are going to be wearing white shirts with "NOBODY" written on it. i think thats wrong. while wearing white shirts, represents unity, and thats good, the nobody is going too far. because (a) some people are saying its because they treat us magnet students as nobodies but some people are saying its because of a conversation a few kids have had with principle dr. welker where they told him he's nobody to do this to us. since not everyone is wearing the nobody for the same reason, its not right. (b) i think that the administration might view the nobody thing as immature, and if they do that wont take us seriously.
2. most people are protesting because they are getting rid of the magnet program. guess what. THATS NOT TRUE! the magnet program is a government program and the school does not have the decesion to take that away. so if people want to protest they can protest certain classes, not for something that isnt happening. that just makes them look ignorant cause theyre fighting for nothing.
3. im SO TIRED of people looking down on drama students because the other side of the rumor is that theyre getting rid of everything EXCEPT drama. so people say to us things like "oh you dont know how it feels" or "they wont touch drama because ms. kidd wont let them" well isnt that a good thing? that we have a teacher who cares about us that much that she wont let them touch us? even if they could get rid of everything but drama, (which they cant!!) it wouldnt be the drama students fault. we dont deserve this resent. the magnet program should be UNIFIED program. because we're all in it because what we study in magnet is our passion. its wrong that they got rid of classes in everything but thats what we should be fighting for. not for something that isnt happening.

on wednesday the baby drama class, which is what the beginning drama class is called, made white T-shirts with only black purple and silver paint, cause its the school colors. EVERYONE involved in drama wore a drama shirt on thursday so youd get random people going "hi baby!" and it made the whole magnet drama like a family because people would talk to us and give us respect just because we're all involved in the same. so i said maybe ill wear that shirt on tuesday. or maybe ill write a regular shirt. but im not writing nobody on it. plus its a waste of money. cause youre writing on a shirt so youll never wear it again. but yeah. magnets not going anywhere. so we should be fighting for the specefic classes that got taken away. and if we are fighting we should all be fighting for the exact same thing. not for different rumors thinking we're unified cause we're not and we look stupid.